Tell me in Darkness

I run crying not knowing where my feet are going. I run as fast as I can. Not looking back, eyes focused straight ahead. "Where is God?" thinking out loud. " I don't know why did you let it happen. Maybe you're not good at all." I run away to my life, to you, to everyone and everything that remembers my past. "I am not coming back."

      

      

     
       We are just like the any other family, we go to church, we go to the mall, we eat at least three times a day. Nothing unusual. Every Sunday we go to church and my father will always explain the sermon to my siblings and I when we get home. I just don't get it. My mother is a business woman and sometimes she come home late at night and I always wait for her because she has always pasalubong for us. My father is a pastor. He always says that we should be doing like this and like that- you know, doing the "good things".
     I have a boyfriend but he is not a Christian and my parents do not know about it. I don't want them to know because I know that they will get mad at me and they will ask me to break up with him because we are not the same and that boy will just get me to the "other side". Why is religion a big deal? Between Nathan and I, I can't see anything wrong. He has a decent family and a truly closed catholic family. Religion is not a topic for us. What important is we both believe in God, that He is sovereign and God of love. We are together for four years, my friends say that we are childhood sweethearts. We love each other and accept every flaws that each other has. His imperfections make him perfect. He is so sweet and kind and understanding. His lovely brown eyes make me melt every time he looks at me. I am so in love with him and I wish that someday my parents will see the things I see in Nathan.      

     One Saturday morning, I have decided to take a bath because it is so hot. The summer is already on his way and my birthday, too. I am wondering what gift would I receive from Nathan, my friends and family. I am just texting Nathan to see me at the school library to help me for my research project. He is a big help for me. I don't have any idea how this campus crush/ dean's lister falls in love with just an ordinary girl. 

      

   hi honey! where are you? just to remind you 9 am at the library. ok? i will just take a bath and fix my things. i will text you before i go. iloveyou. =)

    Honey, I'm on my way! It's already 8:50! you're late!

Oh no! Time runs so fast. I am so busy daydreaming.

Because I'm in a hurry, I unconsciously left my cellphone on the dining table and run towards the shower room. After 10 minutes of just a quick shampoo and scrubbing I went out. 

    What is father doing at the front of the door? Is he standing there a for a long time? But I don't have much time to think of it so I just brisk walk going to my room and as I pass by the dining area I take my phone and walk away. 

     At the library, Nathan is explaining on how should I work on my research but my mind is busy thinking of what is father doing when I was taking a shower. I never notice how long he has been there because I was in a hurry. I remember I left my phone on the table, maybe he has read all of my messages. Oh no! Maybe he already know about Nathan!

     It is already six in the evening and I don't want them to worry so I text mother.

Ma, I am working on my research with Ana. I''ll text you as soon as I'm done. I love you.

I lied when I said I'm with Ana. They will never know anyway. 

It's past eight in the evening when I get home and mother is still not yet around. I rush to my room and text Nathan.

Honey, thank you for everything. I just got home. iloveyou.

My pleasure's been all mine baby. I am always here for you whenever you need me. I'm just a phone call away, you know that.  You look so pale and bothered. Any problem?

Oh! Maybe he is referring to my absent mind a while ago. Should I tell him?

Nothing babes. Maybe I'm just tired of working on my research. 

Maybe I shouldn't. He might get worried.

Okay honey. Have a rest and sleep tight. I love you always. Goodnight! 

I love you, too. Goodnight.

I can't stay awake and wait for mom. I had a very long day. After I wash myself and change clothes I lie down on my bed and sleep.

What is that tickling coming from? Oh no!

What the???? 

Father is on my bed! He is touching my naked body. I'm afraid to move. I don't know what to do. Where's mom?? oh God! Why????

I don't know what time is it but as soon as his done with me he left my room as if nothing had happened. My tears are starting to fall. I don't know what will mom do if I tell her and I don't want to have a scandalous life. I don't want to tell anyone even Nathan. I leave the house and no one notice it.

" God, why did you let it happen? Do you not love me?"


I run crying not knowing where my feet are going. I run as fast as I can. Not looking back, eyes focused straight ahead. "Where is God?" thinking out loud. " I don't know why did you let it happen. Maybe you're not good at all." I run away to my life, to you, to everyone and everything that remembers my past. "I am not coming back."

Author's point of view:

How can I believe to someone who says that this is the good way, that this is the right thing to do if he himself is not doing the "right thing" 

Everyone of us should not be preaching anyone if we ourselves are not doing it. "Walk your Talk" they say. I choose this title for my story because like of that original "Tell me in Darkness' by Julian Dacanay, maybe I could believe the preaching of anyone if I can't see his ways. You know, it is not the religion or whatever your belief is but how you live your life and how your life is a living testimony to others.