A Memory of My Insanity

 "I hate you but I can't let you go"

For some, it is stupidity that you still forgive and accept the person even if he or she had done something terrible at you.

Way back 2009, I was so deeply in love with this person that I thought I could not continue living without him. You know, I was then a typical teenager who would have thought of having a happy-ever-after story. We were a happy couple and thought that I found my better half and he was to me but one day I just felt that there was something unusual between us. I did not know how to explain, maybe it was the girl's instinct. I was texting him that I was on my way to the mall and then he replied and take-note he just called me the nickname he made for his ex-girlfriend. Oh no! There was a big question mark in my mind and my heart was pumping so fast and there was heat all over my body. I wanted to confront him but I was so afraid to know the truth. But I could not wait any longer for my agony was so intense so despite of my doubts I forwarded his text with the caption, " si bok ako hindi ako si eng". So that's it, I sent the message and he did not reply maybe he was shocked. When we were at the mall I saw him and you know it's pretty obvious that he was doing something nobody wants to experience, cheating. I was not in the mood to talk, eat nor watch movie which was the typical thing that we always do. The feeling was unexplainable so I said I wanted to go home and the second shocking part was he insisted to accompany me and he was not usually doing that. 

Why?? Because he went to the other girl's house that very day when I walked down the stairs of MRT. How did I know?? Because of curiosity I texted him where was he and he said he was home but then he was not texting me at all. I don't know maybe I have the power to read other's mind and predict things. My instincts never fail me. I just know it when it comes to our relationship.

That night  my tears were falling contagiously, as if there's no tomorrow. Days passed since that day, I waited for my phone to beep and expect to see his name but none of the messages was his. One night my phone beep and I excitedly looked and yes my instinct was again right, it was from him. He said he was sorry for all the things that caused me pain. I didn't know how to explicate the feeling, happy because he was sorry and want me back but at the back of my mind I was angry because he left me with my shattered heart.

I have thought of it many times and I think everybody deserves to have a second chance so I gave one to him. 

The thought of the wickedness that had caused my heart to break into pieces is hard but the thought of losing him is much harder.